go for it anyway, just use lots and lots of **************! I am thinking of posting up some RAF songs, which will be all *************
All hail the idiots QUIZMANIA (ITV) Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor. DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans. QUIZMANIA Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. Contestant: Grandfather. Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. Contestant: Panda. RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street? MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm . . . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965? FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit. RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23. THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana. Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. Contestant: New Zealand. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta. NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly. RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ... Mexico? DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor? DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm . . . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.
Aren't you lucky! One of them could be your brother or sister, then you would have to kill yourself.:noidea:
THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? Priceless! NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly. Love it!
Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer" User: I can't see your computer. Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer. User: Huh? Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it. User: What's your computer doing on mine? "MMORPG players are freaks. If I ever have kids, and I catch them doing anything with a computer except for normal stuff like porn and hacking into school to change their grades, I will beat their asses like a red headed step child." "Crap... Someone knocked over my recycle bin... There's icons all over my desktop..." "No printing is permitted of this book. This book cannot be given to someone else. This book cannot be read aloud." — License terms for Adobe ebooks. "When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing *that*. Maybe she was right — since the invention of internet porn, computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger. !" Men think that computers should be referred to as female, just like ships, because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The language in which they communicate among themselves is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or File Name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm certainly not going to tell you !" 4. Your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you spend half your paycheck on accessories for it. 6. Miss a period and they go wild. 7. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. Women think computers are male because: 1. They have lots of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had only waited a bit longer, you could have had a better model. 4. To get their attention, you have to "turn them on". 5. A big "power-surge" will knock them out for the rest of the night ! 6. It is always necessary to have a backup. 7. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 8. Size does matter.
Pity he didn't use the gas to blow himself up!:clapping: Welcome Dick, Tell us a bit about yourself on the Introduction forum.
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!". The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers Dear Ma & Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations 1. Friendly fire - isn't. 2. Recoilless rifles - aren't. 3. Suppressive fires - won't. 4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. 5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. 8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. 9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. 10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. 12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. 14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. 15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: * when they're ready. * when you're not. 16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. 17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. 18. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. 19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. 21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 22. The easy way is always mined. 23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. 24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. 25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. 26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. 28. Incoming fire has the right of way. 29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. 31. If the enemy is within range, so are you. 32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. 34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. 35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.) 37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. 38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. 39. Tracers work both ways. 40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. 42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. 43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. 44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. 45. Weather ain't neutral. 46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. 47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. 49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. 50. Napalm is an area support weapon. 51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. 53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. 54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. 55. The one item you need is always in short supply. 56. Interchangeable parts aren't. 57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. 58. When in doubt, empty your magazine. 59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. 63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. 64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. 65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. 66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. 67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. 68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. 69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. 70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. 71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. 72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. 73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. 76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp) 77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. 78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible. 79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. 80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. 81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. 82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. 83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. 84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. 85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. 86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 87. Murphy was a grunt. 88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. 89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. 90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. 91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather. 92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. 93. The crucial round is a dud. 94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. 95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. 96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. 98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it. 99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. 100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. 101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. 102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness). 104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. 105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. 106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. 107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet. 108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. 109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 111. Walking point = sniper bait. 112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. 113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. 114. All or any of the above combined.
Do "beer goggles" really exist? Beer Goggles For those of you unfamiliar with the party scene, "beer goggles" refers to how people often appear more attractive to you after you've had a few drinks. For a long time, it was just a convenient excuse a person used to explain "regrettable amorous encounters." However, according to a study at the Universities of Glasgow and St. Andrews, beer goggles (or "brew gogs" as they're known in certain fraternal circles) are very real. It's no secret that excessive drinking leads to poor judgment behind the wheel. Well, it can also lead to poor judgment at your local pub. According to the aforementioned study, what constitutes "attractive" changes drastically after a few drinks. In other words, while you may think you're hitting on a 10, there's a chance you're actually picking up someone in the lower-single digits. The reasons behind this phenomenon have to do with alcohol stimulating the nucleus accumbens, aka "the part of the brain which is used to determine facial attractiveness." In the 2002 study, male and female students were shown pictures of members of the opposite sex and asked to rate them on a scale of 1-7 (sounds cruel, I know). The more students drank, the higher they rated the photographs.
Who invented the Modern Olympic Games? Who invented the Modern Olympic Games? Baron Pierre de Coubertin (January 1, 1863-September 2, 1937), born as Pierre de Frédy, was a French pedagogue and historian, but is best known as the founder of the modern Olympic Games. Born in Paris into an aristocratic family, De Coubertin was inspired by his visits to British and American colleges and universities, and set out to improve education. He thought part of this improvement should be sports education, which he considered an important part of the personal development of young people. He conceived of an international competition to promote athletics. A growing international interest in the ancient Olympics, fed by recent archaeological finds at Olympia, De Coubertin devised a plan to revive the Olympic Games. To publicize these plans, he organised an international congress on June 23, 1894 at the Sorbonne in Paris. There he proposed to reinstate the ancient Olympic Games. The congress led to the establishing of the International Olympic Committee (IOC), of which De Coubertin became the general secretary. It was also decided that the first modern Olympics would take place in Athens, Greece and that they would be held every four years. These Games proved a success, and De Coubertin took over the IOC presidency when Demetrius Vikelas stepped down after the Olympics in his own country. Despite the initial success, the Olympic Movement faced hard times, as the 1900 (in De Coubertin's own Paris) and 1904 Games were both swallowed by international fairs, and received little attention. This changed for the better after the 1906 Summer Olympics, and the Olympic Games grew to become the most important sports event. De Coubertin stepped down from his IOC presidency after the 1924 Olympics in Paris, which proved much more successful than the first attempt in that city in 1900. He was succeeded as president by Belgian Henri de Baillet-Latour. De Coubertin remained Honorary President of the IOC until he died in 1937 in Geneva, Switzerland. He was buried in Lausanne (the seat of the IOC), although his heart was buried separately in a monument near the ruins of ancient Olympia. Pierre de Coubertin Awards The Awards are an initiative of the Australian Olympic Committee and formed an integral component of the NSW Olympic Schools Strategy in the lead up to the Sydney Olympic Games. The Awards recognise Australian senior secondary students who demonstrate attributes consistent with the fundamental aims of the Olympic Movement through participation in physical and athletic activities. All secondary schools are invited to nominate one recipient for the Pierre de Coubertin award each year. Past recipients of the award include a number of former and current Olympians: 1996 recipients Jade Winter attended the 1996 Atlanta Olympics in Swimming and Ashley Callus participated in Sydney 2000 Swimming; 1998 winner Angie Skirving represented in Hockey at Sydney, while 2000 recipient Damian Istria (St Josephs College) represented Gymnastics at Sydney in the same year.
What is the hottest Chilli pepper! What is the hottest chile pepper? I sniffed around the Web, taking little bites of information from various sites. Eventually, I came up with what we hope is a satisfactory answer, although there are some Indian scientists out there who might argue with my conclusion. Chile peppers are measured in Scoville Heat Units, named after pharmacist Wilbur Scoville who invented a scale to measure the heat of peppers. Each unit is actually a measure of capsaicin (the chemical responsible for a pepper's heat). I found several sources that claimed a 1994 red savina habañero from GNS Spices was the hottest pepper ever tested, measuring in at an amazing 577,000 Scoville Units! However, scientists in India claim they grew the hottest chile in the world in the northeastern hills of Assam, a variety called Naga Jolokia. This pepper was tested and found to have 855,000 Scoville Units, though the methods used have been called into question. I went to the home page of Fiery-Foods.com and found my way to a heat scale. The scale was compiled by Dave DeWitt, the site's creator, with the help of Dr. Ben Villalon of the Texas Agricultural Experiment Station and Dr. Paul W. Bosland of New Mexico State University's Department of Agronomy and Horticulture. They claim it's the most up-to-date chart around. Many factors affect the Scoville Unit measurement of a pepper, including the genetic background of the plant, the soil it's grown in, the temperature, the fertilizer used, and the watering practices. The various charts and scales should not be considered definitive heat levels for particular varieties. It's quite possible to pick up a few jalapeños at the local market and have one be mild and another be rip-roaring hot.
How many people die each year worldwide? How many people die each year worldwide? According to the CIA World Factbook, as of July, 2005, there were approximately 6,446,131,400 people on the planet, and the death rate was approximately 8.78 deaths per 1,000 people a year. According to our nifty desktop calculator, that works out to roughly 56,597,034 people leaving us every year. That's about a 155,000 a day.Still, more people are being born than dying. The population growth rate is hovering around 1.14%, which doesn't seem like much, but last year that was (back to the calculator!) 73,485,898 more mouths to feed. As the Factbook succinctly puts it: "For the 21st century, the continued exponential growth in science and technology raises both hopes (e.g., advances in medicine) and fears (e.g., development of even more lethal weapons of war)." The legal information resource ItsMyLife.com offers some interesting mortality statistics for the United States. Of the 2,400,000-plus Americans who die each year, over 45,000 are killed in transport accidents. The number of homicides, poisonings, and drunk driving fatalities are roughly the same, at around 17,000 each. Perhaps more surprisingly, a stunning 178,000 Americans die from medical or hospital error every year. For more details, the National Center for Health Statistics offers a free report. The United Nations also offers a 2005 World Health Report. One of its key findings: this year almost 11 million children under the age of five will die from a preventable disease.
A woman goes to visit her son in his new flat, and notices that he seems very close to the guy he's sharing the place with. Before she leaves she says: "Son, I can't help but notice you and your flatmate seem very... well, friendly. Is there anything you want to tell me?" "Mum!" he replies "Forget it! We're just flatmates, that's all!" And so she goes home. Two weeks later, she gets an e-mail: Mum, we can't seem to find the frying pan anywhere this last fortnight. Now, I'm not saying you took it, and I'm not saying you didn't, but do you know where it is? Her response reads: I'm not saying you're sleeping with your flatmate, I'm not saying you aren't, but if you'd been sleeping in your own bed for the last fortnight you'd have soon found the frying pan. :>
STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer. The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"
