Home remedies

Discussion in 'Barracks' started by Antipodean Andy, Oct 4, 2007.

  1. Antipodean Andy

    Antipodean Andy New Member


    1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
    down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
    hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
    the shower.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
    a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
    a timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
    from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
    will be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
    move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
    duct tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    Daily Thought:

  2. Kyt

    Kyt Άρης

    That's brilliant. Particularly liked no. 6
  3. Antipodean Andy

    Antipodean Andy New Member

    Yes, struck a chord with me too!
  4. Kitty

    Kitty New Member

    I'm all for number 7.
  5. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    Yes, have to admit that six is good.
  6. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

    Here are some more pearls of wisdom (censored only slightly)!

    1. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

    2. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

    3. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

    4. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying it in the first place!

    5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then getting someone to urinate in there before jumping in.

    6. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

    7. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

    8. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

    9. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

    10. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

    11. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    12. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

    13. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

    14. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

    15. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

    16. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

    17. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    18. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

    19. DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

    20. On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

    Best wishes
  7. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

    And some more little gems with an element of truth in them!

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

    7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

    14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

    AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. - HOPEFULLY!!!!!

  8. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

    Some things to consider in the event that an election is nigh!!!!!

    Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... but then I repeat myself.
    -Mark Twain

    I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
    -Winston Churchill

    A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    -George Bernard Shaw

    A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .... which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
    -G Gordon Liddy

    Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
    -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

    Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
    -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
    -P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

    Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
    -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

    Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
    -Ronald Reagan (1986)

    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
    -Will Rogers

    If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
    -P. J. O'Rourke

    In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
    -Voltaire (1764)

    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
    -Pericles (430 B. C.)

    No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
    -Mark Twain (1866)

    Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.

    The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    -Ronald Reagan

    The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
    -Winston Churchill

    The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
    -Mark Twain

    The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
    -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

    There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress.
    -Mark Twain

    What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
    -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

    A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
    -Thomas Jefferson

  9. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    Here endeth the lesson!

    I like politicians too CTNana!
  10. Kyt

    Kyt Άρης

    woohoo - I'm on the list

    err, I did use beef stock cube in a vegetarian pasta sauce once (or twice) - my friend kept asking how I made it so flavoursome :peep:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, CTNana - that's what I've been saying for years

    THAT I would love to see :becky:
  11. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

    The older I've got, the more cynical I get. Sadly I think power corrupts and that Billy Connolly summed up my view which can be paraphrased as "Anyone who wants to be a politician should AUTOMATICALLY be debarred from doing so".

    Negatively I tar them all with the same brush. Positively? haven't a clue what to replace it with!!!

  12. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    They are definitely a special breed.
  13. Kitty

    Kitty New Member

    Sledge hammer, power drill, axe, flame thrower, C4 explosive, knives, wooden stakes through heart........

    Didn't Billy Connolly also say "Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on."?
  14. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    He also said my favourite:

    "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
  15. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

    Oh well that's me out of the frame then!!!!!

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