Line book!

Discussion in 'Barracks' started by morse1001, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. Antipodean Andy

    Antipodean Andy New Member

  2. Antipodean Andy

    Antipodean Andy New Member

    One especially for our Scottish members

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

    For several minutes they sat silently.

    Finally the lass looked at the lad and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

    "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

    Blushing, she leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

    Then he blushed and they both turned to gaze out over the loch.

    Minutes passed and the lass spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

    "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

    The lass leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds before turning to gaze out over the loch.

    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

    "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

    Blushing deeply, she took his hand and put it on her knee.

    They continued to stare straight ahead until the lass leaned toward him and whispered "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

    "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.

    The lass looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

    Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
  3. Antipodean Andy

    Antipodean Andy New Member

    Tips for surviving the credit crunch

    DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

    DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

    HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

    SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

    DON’T buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

    DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

    A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

    AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

    MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake pen1s to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

    SMOKERS, save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

    SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

    HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

    OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

    SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination, invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

    OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

    INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

    SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

    SAVE electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances.

    DRIVERS, save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

    SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

    OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

    DOMESTOS is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

    MAKE cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

    CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

    WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

    SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

    AVOID losing expensive contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

    EXTERIOR wood stain is a cheap, fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

    MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

    MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

    SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

    WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house after wards

    BOOK COLLECTORS: Don't waste money adding to your collection, steal Kyt's!
  4. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    Greenie Revenge

    I could not resist this one.

    Greenie Revenge

    The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, that was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

    In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.

    The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

    The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."

  5. Kitty

    Kitty New Member

    Oh I do like that one :>
  6. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    So do I!

    She probably belonged to a splinter group.:p
  7. Kitty

    Kitty New Member

    I'm not laughing at that comment ;)
  8. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

    Neither know nor care whether these are true because they made me smile!

    1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and
    > > yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the
    > > taxi.'
    > > I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi,
    > > lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her
    > > underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed
    > > that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong
    > > one.
    > >
    > > Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews
    > > Hosp. Glasgow.
    > >
    > > 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a
    > > stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
    > > patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I
    > > instructed.
    > > 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied
    > > the patient.
    > >
    > > Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes,
    > > St.Thomas's Bath .
    > >
    > > 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
    > > when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
    > > myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I
    > > heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the
    > > family that he had died of a 'massive internal
    > > fart.'
    > >
    > > Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London
    > > Hosp.
    > >
    > > 4. During a patient's two week follow-up
    > > appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one
    > > of his medications.
    > > 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
    > > 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a
    > > new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
    > > places to put it !'
    > > I had him quickly undress and discovered what I
    > > hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
    > > patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal
    > > of the old patch before applying a new one.
    > >
    > > Submitted by Dr.
    > > Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
    > >
    > > 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
    > > patient, I asked 'How long have you been
    > > bedridden?'
    > > After a look of complete confusion she
    > > answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my
    > > husband was still alive.'
    > >
    > > Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead
    > > Royal Kent
    > >
    > > 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one
    > > morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how
    > > was your breakfast this morning?'
    > > 'It's very good except for the Kentucky
    > > Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob
    > > replied.
    > > I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
    > > a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
    > >
    > > Submitted by Dr.
    > > Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
    > >
    > > 7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a
    > > young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
    > > Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
    > > clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
    > > patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
    > > immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the
    > > operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
    > > been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
    > > 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was
    > > completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
    > > patient's dressing, which said
    > > 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
    > >
    > > Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH
    > > London
    > >
    > > Dr.
    > > wouldn't submit his name!
  9. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    Love the last one Nana - made me smile.
  10. spidge

    spidge Active Member

    Tarzan and Jane joke

    Tarzan flies through the trees to his tree top house and says to Jane - What is for dinner Jane?

    Jane replies, Some Birds and Monkey's!

    To which Tarzan replies - Oh not Finch and Chimps again.
  11. Keith

    Keith New Member

    The Polish Patriot.

    May I share this one with you , told to me by David Frost.

    A little scruffy Polish patriot jumped on a train to Warsaw, in the compartment were a beautiful Polish peasant girl sitting with her crusty old grandmother.
    He doffed his cap to them and sat on the opposite side of the carriage.
    Just as the train was about to leave in jumped an enormous Russian Red Guard, full of swagger.
    The poor little patriot tried to make himself very small huddled in the corner.
    The Russian took out a bottle of vodka which he offered to the girl and her grandmother, both of whom decorously refused.
    He continued drinking himself, every now and then bursting into loud army songs.
    As they were approaching the outskirts of Warsaw the train plunged into a tunnel, the carriage was completely dark.
    Suddenly there was the loud sound of a kiss followed by a very loud sound of a slap.
    The train leapt into the light of day.

    The Russian Red Guard nursing a rapidly swelling left eye.

    The beautiful Polish girl thought, vile Russian pig, fancy kissing my grandmother in the dark, but she gave him what he deserved.

    The girls grandmother thought, bloody Russian heathen, daring to kiss my daughter in a darkened carriage, I'm glad to see she gave him a good slap.

    The Russian Red Guard thought, scuffly little Polish peasant, trying it on with the lovely girl in the dark, but at least she thought it was me, so not too bad.

    The little Polish patriot thought, fantastic, I kiss the back of my hand, then smack a Russian bully as hard as I can and no-one says a word.


  12. Keith

    Keith New Member

    The 8th. army had advanced as far as Naples and were then bogged down by enemy artillery fire.
    So Capt. Barlow the Group Medical Officer decided to set up an emergency treatment facility.

    He hadn't been there very long when in walked a paper bag.

    Whats up with you then, he asked in his best bedtime manner.

    I don't feel very well said the paper bag,

    OK jump up on the bed and let me have a look.

    After a very thorough examination and a blood test, he turned round to the paper bag and said, you've got a social disease, who've you been with?

    Don't be silly, said the paper bag, I'm a paper bag, we don't do things like that.

    You must have had close relations with some-one, don't give me that toilet seat routine either, because there's only one way you can catch this.

    Doc, I keep telling you I'm a paper bag, we don't indulge in anything like that.

    OK, said the MO then the only other thing that can happen is, your mother must have been a carrier.

  13. Kitty

    Kitty New Member

    I'd consider a banning for that one, but you're from Macc so its understandable ;)
  14. CTNana

    CTNana Active Member

  15. Keith

    Keith New Member

    Line Stories

    Hi Kitty,


    Sorry, I most certainly had no wish to offend anyone.

    I have no idea which of my two stories upset you !

    I can assure you it will not happen again, I take on board you have no liking

    for Macclesfield either, is that for any particular reason ? You have now

    mentioned your dislike twice.

    I will, if ever there is the slightest inkling that the content may be dubious,

    have any posting vetted by Kyt

    before posting.

    Please accept my sincere apologies.

  16. Antipodean Andy

    Antipodean Andy New Member

    Tongue in cheek, Keith, take it as that as that is how it was meant!
  17. Keith

    Keith New Member

    Dubious language.

    Hi Andy.

    Thanks for your kind words, however I have tried to clean up the story to clear anything that may be upsetting.

    Looking at the third post of this now lengthy and amusing thread, I can see what you mean.

    Hope you and yours are OK after all your local troubles.

  18. Cobber

    Cobber New Member

    Yeah mate check out the smiley its winking and grinning, so imho it is a tongue in cheek staement .
  19. Keith

    Keith New Member

    Unnoticed smiley

    Hi Cobber,

    You're right, I missed the indication of wind up humour.

    Did you see my reply to your Korea post.

  20. Keith

    Keith New Member

    Hi All,
    Hope I'm not going to upset Kitty again.


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